Facing a challenge I wasn’t prepared for.
Tonight I face the hardest night I have faced in a long time. It’s not a bigger version of the fear or stress that sometimes make their way into my evening hours. The feeling I’m experiencing is more certain, more persuasive. The dread I feel does not have caveats. It feels like there are no possibilities. I can’t avoid it. It’s here and here to stay. It’s power lies in its inevitability. I may be able to distract myself for a little while, but no matter what I do, it will come raging back. At least that is how it feels.
I hope I’m wrong. I hope my intuition is playing a huge trick on me. I’d give anything to make my gut wrong about this.
In a way, I guess it’s ironic. I’m always the one talking about embracing challenges. That the best way to grow as a person and broaden your horizons is through a little discomfort. This, however, just got placed in my lap and I don’t want it. No, thank you. I would run a marathon just to get away from it. I would scream at the top of my lungs for a different option to show itself.
I don’t know what to do. How can you make something so terrifying, so unexciting, how do you make that interesting or enjoyable? How do you walk up to something that just seems so daunting and say “It’s okay. It will work out in the end”? To be honest with you, I don’t know. I wish I did. I wish I knew how to approach these upcoming weeks, but I have no clue. I wish I had the right thoughts to feel in control, but I don’t. I wish I could fast forward through these next couple of weeks, but I can’t.
Maybe, in the end, I’ll look back and see that things weren’t as bad as I feared. Maybe I’ll look back at this moment in a few months and be grateful for all showed me. Maybe this will be the best learning experience I’ll have all year. I have no clue what to expect.
I guess that is life though. Sometimes you just have to go through a rough patch and do everything you can to come out a better, happier person in the end.